Chapter 11 - The Part Ryan Had to Admit Was His
Ryan spent the next week angry at Vanessa.
Then Dana asked him a question he couldn't answer with anger.
“When Vanessa told you Emma was difficult, what did you do?”
“I tried to help.”
“How?”
“I took more weekend mornings. I came home early when I could.”
“Did you ever reduce Vanessa's weekday caregiving responsibilities?”
Ryan looked down.
“No.”
“Why not?”
Because Vanessa said she had it handled.
Because childcare in Williamson County was expensive.
Because Ryan's company had just promoted him.
Because Vanessa worked from home.
Because Ryan was exhausted.
Because some part of him had been relieved when another adult volunteered to carry the weight.
“I believed she was better at it than I was,” he said.
Dana nodded.
“That doesn't make you responsible for what she did.”
Ryan waited.
“But?”
“But if you're asking how the environment developed, that's part of it.”
He hated her for three seconds.
Then he thanked her.
At Megan's that weekend, Ryan admitted something he had never said aloud.
“After Claire died, I was terrified of being the only parent.”
Megan set down her coffee.
“I know.”
“No. I don't mean overwhelmed. I mean terrified.”
He looked at Emma asleep in the stroller beside them.
“I kept thinking there had to be someone who knew what they were doing. Vanessa looked like she knew.”
“So you let her take over.”
“Yes.”
Megan didn't soften it.
“Yeah. You did.”
Ryan nodded.
That mattered too.
The easy story was Vanessa monster, Ryan rescuer.
The true story was uglier.
Vanessa was responsible for her choices.
Ryan had also surrendered too much attention because competence made him feel safe.
Patricia arrived unexpectedly that afternoon but stayed on the porch.
She did not ask to come inside.
“I owe you something,” she said.
Ryan waited.
“I told Vanessa you depended on her.”
Ryan frowned.
“When?”
“Months ago.”
Patricia explained that Vanessa had complained Ryan never appreciated what she did.
Patricia had tried to reassure her.
She told Vanessa that Ryan would be lost without her.
That Emma needed stability.
That Vanessa was holding the family together.
Ryan understood immediately.
His mother had fed the exact hunger Vanessa was trying to satisfy.
Patricia's eyes filled.
“I thought I was helping your marriage.”
Ryan looked away.
“I need some distance from you too.”
Patricia flinched.
“I understand.”
“No arguments?”
“No.”
That almost made it worse.
She stepped off the porch.
Before leaving, she said, “When you're ready, I'll answer anything you ask. And if you're never ready, I earned that.”
Ryan watched her drive away.
May you like
For once, no one was demanding forgiveness from him.
That left him free to decide whether he actually wanted to give it.
