Chapter 6 - THE COST OF BEING UNDERSTOOD
Alexander hired an ASL instructor.
Matthew hated that.
“You can’t hire your way out of everything,” Hannah translated after Matthew signed it.
Alexander almost defended himself.
Then stopped.
“What should I do?”
Matthew signed.
Hannah smiled slightly.
“He says learn anyway.”
So Alexander learned.
Badly.
His hands felt too large.
His facial grammar was stiff.
He forgot signs he had practiced an hour earlier.
During one session he accidentally signed something close to “boring chicken” when trying to discuss a business dinner.
Matthew laughed so hard he had to sit down.
It was the first time Alexander had made his son laugh in months.
Alexander treasured it.
Then made the mistake of acting as though the laugh meant things were fixed.
At dinner two nights later, he attempted an entire conversation.
Matthew answered briefly.
Alexander pushed.
Matthew became irritated.
Finally his hands moved faster than Alexander could follow.
Alexander looked toward Hannah automatically.
Matthew slammed one palm onto the table.
Not violently.
Enough.
He pointed at Alexander.
Then Hannah.
Then shook his head.
Alexander understood.
“No translating?”
Matthew nodded.
Alexander felt panic.
“But I don’t know enough.”
Matthew shrugged.
Exactly.
Hannah quietly left the room.
For the next twenty minutes father and son struggled.
Alexander signed badly.
Matthew slowed down.
They used gestures.
They wrote two words on paper.
Matthew pointed.
Alexander guessed wrong.
They both got frustrated.
Nobody rescued them.
At the end, Alexander understood a simple story about a boy at school who had cheated during a science quiz.
It took twenty minutes to communicate something Matthew could have told Lucy in thirty seconds.
Alexander leaned back, exhausted.
Matthew signed:
HARD?
Alexander recognized that one.
“Yes.”
Matthew signed again.
EVERY DAY.
Alexander stopped breathing for a second.
That was the cost of knowing.
He could no longer pretend communication had simply been difficult for both of them.
Matthew had been doing the heavier work for years.
Meanwhile the family began reacting.
Alexander’s mother, Margaret Vale, called after hearing he had canceled the youth luncheon.
“I don’t understand why you are suddenly reorganizing the house around signing.”
Alexander’s jaw tightened.
“Because Matthew signs.”
“He also speaks.”
“He does both.”
“He’ll rely on whichever one is easier.”
Alexander heard the old fear.
Not concern about Matthew.
Concern about how Matthew appeared.
Margaret continued:
“Your father would have wanted him prepared for the real world.”
Alexander looked toward the study where Matthew and Lucy were reading Caroline’s book.
“The real world includes my son.”
Margaret went quiet.
Alexander surprised himself.
For forty-five years, his mother’s approval had been a weather system he monitored automatically.
For the first time, he did not adjust himself around it.
“I’m done treating Matthew’s language like something he needs to outgrow.”
His mother’s voice cooled.
“Caroline filled your head with guilt before she died.”
Alexander looked at the burgundy book.
“No.”
He answered more quietly.
May you like
“She left me a map.
I just refused to use it.”
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