Chapter 2 - The Woman With the “Bad Body”
At Norwalk Hospital, an obstetrician checked our daughter for nearly two hours.
Her heartbeat was strong.
There was no evidence that the hot liquid had injured her.
My own skin was mostly protected by the heavy gown and cardigan, though I had bruising where Luke grabbed me and a strained shoulder from the struggle.
When the doctor said the baby looked stable, I cried harder than I had while police photographed the living room.
Luke and I had been married eight years.
During that time, I had been pregnant four times.
The first pregnancy ended at ten weeks.
The second ended at sixteen.
The third ended at nineteen.
Every loss changed Luke.
After the first, he was attentive.
After the second, he became impatient.
After the third, he became cruel.
He started calling my body unreliable.
Then defective.
Eventually, he stopped waiting until we were alone.
At Christmas dinner, his father asked when we would “finally get it right.”
Luke answered, “Ask Caroline’s uterus.”
Everyone laughed awkwardly.
I did too.
That was how I survived our marriage: I laughed one second before humiliation could become something I was required to name.
There had also been physical incidents.
A shove into a bathroom door during my second pregnancy.
A fall down two porch steps after Luke grabbed my arm during the third.
A night when he pushed me onto the mattress because I refused to attend his parents’ anniversary party.
Each time, I explained the bruises.
I slipped.
I was clumsy.
Pregnancy ruined my balance.
Luke helped write those explanations.
Sometimes literally.
He insisted on attending every appointment and often answered physicians before I could.
After the third miscarriage, he told both families that doctors had found “a structural problem” with my reproductive system.
I believed him because he handled the follow-up calls while I was recovering.
But that morning, while searching for my insurance card, I found an old laboratory envelope inside a box Luke had moved from his office.
The report was dated four years earlier.
After our second loss.
Patient: Luke Mercer.
Result: abnormal chromosomal finding.
Recommendation: genetic counseling for couple before future pregnancy.
Luke had folded the page twice.
May you like
Across the top, in his handwriting, were three words.
DO NOT TELL CAROLINE.
